letter to the past
Dear Cheerio,
Remember the times you spent with Cinnamon, just like a loving couple, you would feed him and nuzzle him and quarrel with him and I thought you two were going to mate and there will soon be little baby birds. In the end Cinnamon was a guy and you two were gay. How cute. : )
Then we introduced girls to both of you to see what will happen and both girls fell for you and you were trying to be a good lover to all three birds. Poor Cinnamon was jealous like fuck. After the girls left you were back with him.
I’m sorry about what happened… how you fell ill and I was a ignorant faggot and couldn’t stop crying when I saw you all hunched and huddled in a corner, all those gorgeous green feathers became dull. You couldn’t even caw or bite us when we held you. How you became weaker and weaker and thinner and thinner and the vet said there was nothing she could do and even with medicine it’s a 50-50 chance for survival and even so it would recur throughout your life. I was sad. Cinnamon was sad. Everyone was sad.
It’s my fault I chose euthanasia. I just didn’t want to see you in pain any longer, neither did Cinnamon. I wanted you to be out of pain, out of misery, and be in a happier place where this illness didn’t plague you any longer. I want to die in your place but I can’t. We love you Cheerio and no one loves me so I MUST DIE FOR YOU. Why can’t we transfer diseases? I will die for you because I love you.
When we were at the animal hospital together, I was just a stupid girl. I thought my beliefs were right but I’m not. I should never have made a grave decision like that on my own without consulting you. I should have listened to you, not make foolish decisions on my own. I’m so sorry I just wish I could have made things better. I wish I died instead. I wish you would be happy. Now I feel guilty everyday, but at the same time I understand I can’t undo past actions and right now I have to help Cinnamon more and I also know you are safe where you are and happy.
The house is much quieter now without you, you were such a chatterbox. Talking to Cinnamon, the birds outside, yourself, all at the same time. You’re incredible, amazing, beloved little hunk. Cinnamon usually tries to console himself by talking into the mirror, but he always looks sad. He misses you Cheerio. He misses you a lot. You were part of him and I’m sorry to Cinnamon too.
Now we don’t have your signature Food-tray-banging to signal the insufficient food supplies, that constant Trying-to-open-cage-door-banging to get our attention to go listen to your solo concerts, no more Cinnamon-security to protect weak Cinnamon when we put our hands in to change the treat seed sticks, no more fluffy green and yellow feathers flying everywhere when you moulted, no more narcissistic mirror-staring, no more eating of the yellow flowers outside our house. It is very different without you. Your dominant personality towards us, yet meek sweetness towards Cinnamon is gone.
I must confess, I was in love with you. I told everyone about you, making everyone want a budgerigar of their own too. I brought you to the playgrounds when I could, I decorated your cage with flowers whenever I was in the garden, freaked out when we had to clean your cage and you flew everywhere we were scared you would fly out and get killed. I still remember I was the one that chose you at the shop. I insisted on you because you were looking so hot and I loved how budgies had stripes but you had none, not yet lutino but was a little more greenish. And you had that cobalt splash at your cheek, making you UBER CUTE. You’re so handsome. *__*
I hope wherever you’re at now, you are happy. And I know you are always beside Cinnamon, talking to him. I know Cinnamon’s not talking to yourself, but to you. I know you snuggle with him at night. I know you tell him not to be scared of us when we hold you out because you will protect him. He is growing old too and I know you are there holding his hand(wing?) bringing him peace and love.
Like how you brought peace and love to me too.
Rest in peace my sweet Cheerio.
(ARGH DON’T BITE MY EAR OKAY!)
